Jokes (64)
A Few One Liners
Printer Friendly (Joke #101, 2010-04-08 19:09:53, Category: Short)
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
Amish Bumpersticker
Printer Friendly (Joke #100, 2010-04-08 18:56:52, Category: Vehicles)
Sign behind an Amish carriage:
"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats.
CAUTION: Avoid exhaust!"
Hearing Aid
Printer Friendly (Joke #98, 2010-04-05 17:55:06, Category: Gotcha)
An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her chair. He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response.
He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response. Finally, he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"
She replied, "for the third time, yes!"
Scared Half to Death
Printer Friendly (Joke #97, 2010-04-05 17:52:51, Category: Short)
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Two Muffins in the Over
Printer Friendly (Joke #96, 2010-04-05 17:51:51, Category: Food)
There's two muffins in the oven.
One says "Man! Its burning up in here!"
The other one says "Hey look! A talking Muffin!!!"
Police Exam
Printer Friendly (Joke #95, 2010-04-05 17:51:08, Category: Gotcha)
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup."
Walking on Water
Printer Friendly (Joke #94, 2010-04-05 14:23:41, Category: Accidents)
There once was a priest, a minister, and a rabbi fishing in a boat together.
One day, the priest said, "I'm thirsty," and stepped out of the boat. He then walked on water and took a drink from a booth on the beach.
The next day, the minister said, "I'm thirsty," and stepped out of the boat. He then walked on water and also took a drink from a booth on the beach.
On the third day, the rabbi said, "I'm thirsty". But as soon as he stepped out of the boat, he sunk.
The minister looked at the priest and said, "Think we shoulda told him where the rocks were?"
Chatty Parrot
Printer Friendly (Joke #93, 2010-04-05 13:58:00, Category: Animals)
There was a family that had a parrot that was always embarrassing them by cussing and other stuff like that.
So one day the boy took the parrot and stuck him in the freezer.Two hours later the squawking stopped.
The kid checked the freezer and the parrot said, "Okay I'll stop cussing, but I have one question".
The boy said, "What"?
The Parrot asks, "What did the turkey do"???
The Retired Pirate
Printer Friendly (Joke #92, 2010-04-05 13:15:32, Category: Accidents)
Once there was a retired pirate so he decides to live with his brother.
The pirate walks up to his brothers house and knocks on the door and his brother answers the door and says, "Oh my gosh , what happened to your hand!?! "
The pirate said, "I lost it in a sword fight , but now I have a hook."
Then the brother said, "What about your leg?"
The pirate said, "A cannonball hit it , but now I have a peg leg ."
Then the brother said, "Well , what about your eye?"
The pirate said, "I got some dust in it ."
The brother said, "How could you lose your eye by just getting some dust in it?"
Then the pirate said, "It was my first day with my hook!
The Al-gebra Network
Printer Friendly (Joke #91, 2010-04-05 12:03:29, Category: School)
At New York's Kennedy airport today an individual, later discovered to be a school teacher, was caught trying to board a flight while in possession of pencils, a ruler, a protractor, and a calculator.
The Attorney General believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed", the Attorney General said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like "x" and "y", and, although they are frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
"As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are three sides to every triangle." When asked to comment on the arrest, the President said, "We must always be on the look out for weapons of math instruction."